Some things take infinitely more grace than others. I find this is one of them. Fortunately Jesus has infinite grace and forgiveness for me. I just have to learn to extend those to the past. To forgive the people I’d much rather blame. To accept that nothing can change any of what was done or said. It was what it was. I have to forgive. And then move on.
This was brought home to me fairly clearly a few weeks ago and I know I’ve been struggling with it since. My tendency is to dwell in the past. To wish in vain for a way to go back and change what happened. I know it isn’t possible. What I’m learning also isn’t possible is to move forward while stuck on past hurts.
I desperately want to move forward. I’m longing to see what God has in store for me. For my future, my work, my family. I’m frustrated by the messages of ‘have patience’ and ‘let go’ I keep receiving when I so much want to get to what is coming. This lesson in forgiveness and letting go, in patience and growth… I feel like I’m living in a space in between. In between a past I’m having trouble forgiving and releasing and a future which isn’t coming as fast as I want. In between my old life of being sick and stuck and the new life I know God has planned for me.
My roots are showing.
But then those roots aren’t something I can change. I can move on from the parts which no longer serve my faith or God. There’s just no erasing the past. At least I’m free to keep the parts which support my faith and still serve God.
For those unfamiliar with the words of the title when used as a greeting, the traditional response is: He is risen indeed.
For He is indeed risen to be my salvation. The only means by which I can reach God. I find an inexhaustible source of hope in that.
It happens sometimes. Especially after a long, full week like I just had. Everything else gets in the way and I end up feeling disconnected. Out of synch with God and myself.
I find it a frustrating feeling. Nothing goes quite right and I fall back into old bad habits. When I do attempt to reach out, to reconnect, it’s hard and sometimes comes with a sense of nothing being out there. I know God is there because He is always there. But there’s a world of difference between what I know in my head and what I feel in my heart.
Thankfully my current circumstances allow me one ‘day off’ each week. One day when I don’t have to care for my daughter. One day when I can be alone to recharge and prepare myself for the next stretch of life. One day when I can take all the time I need to re-center myself and dig as deep as necessary to reconnect.
It never fails to amaze me, the difference it makes in my patience and ability to cope, to have even just a few hours when the only person I have to look after is myself. When I can take the time to only do things that make me feel better. Because when I feel better, when I feel reconnected and back in synch, it’s so much easier to work with and around everything else in my life.