I find there’s a distinct and rather irritating correlation between my blood sugar levels and my mood. And especially my ability to find any positives in my current situation. Over the past few months I’ve been up and down like a yo-yo… or a roller coaster… take your pick. It doesn’t really matter. Overall, it just doesn’t feel good.
On the all too rare occasions when I am feeling good, it’s easy to believe God has this all in hand and it will all work out. I can relax and allow Him to work. I can find the motivation to deal with anything I need to.
More of the time I feel like crap. I’m tired. I’m irritable. I feel like nothing will ever change and I’ll be stuck in limbo for the rest of my life. I question whether God could possibly even care about me. I wonder why He would have any use for someone who is such a mess all the time.
Did I mention there’s a correlation to my blood sugar levels here?
Anyone, diabetic or not, with the sensitivity to feel when their blood sugar is too high or too low, likely knows what I’m talking about in terms of feeling good versus feeling like crap. It doesn’t take a glucose meter to tell when my blood sugar is off. All it takes is a pause to breathe and really feel what’s happening in my body. Of course the problem is taking that pause when I don’t feel good. Out of whack blood sugar isn’t conducive to slowing down and taking stock. It’s much more conducive to snapping people’s heads off and hoping a nap will make me feel better. (It never does.)
The other irritant here is I actually know what I need to do in order to maintain balanced blood sugar through the day. I even know strategies for bringing down high blood sugar. What I just can’t seem to manage is applying them. Two years later, I’m still fighting with this because it feels like no sooner do I get sort of on track, then something comes along and kills any and all progress I’ve made.
I sure hope God has things in hand here, because apparently I just can’t do this on my own. When I’m down, I wonder if I can even do it with His help. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I pray for healing, for the means to change my physical health. Feels like I’m still waiting for Him to come through.
I do believe He will yet.
All my nerves are standing on edge. I don’t want to be touched, my skin is so sensitive right now. There’s so much going on I feel like a juggler being tossed too many balls. I know I’m dropping things, but there are so many, I’m not even sure what I’m dropping. It’s hard to breathe through even as I’m being constantly reminded to.
Ending an eleven and a half year marriage.
Expecting a new baby.
Sorting and packing to move and being forced to trust God has the final arrangements in hand.
Being mom to an active and unsettled almost five year old.
Pulling together my own small business.
Struggling to make ends meet and keep enough groceries in the house.
I’m sure I’m forgetting something. So many things are ending or being cleared away to make space for new things. So much nervous energy and especially since I’m not the only one feeling it.
People warn that ‘never’ is a very long time. And with that is usually a warning to watch what is said never to. At the same time, in our convictions there are always things we think we would never do, never say, never want. I’m grateful for a God who doesn’t hold me to what I said “I would never…” in the past.
Because our circumstances change. Our lives change and with it our views and beliefs and values. It’s part of living and growing to learn and change. Our convictions can change and suddenly there can come a moment when “I would never…” becomes “maybe I would…” or even “I want…”
For example: I grew up in a home without pets of any kind. Most of my rather awkward interactions with other people’s pets didn’t go well. As a result, for many years, I said I would never want pets in my home. In the last couple years, partly due to a feeling of insecurity in a home in a neighbourhood where the police are frequently seen for any number of reasons, I’ve had a growing desire for a dog. It surprised and amused people when I said I’d changed my mind. Currently, I have a cat, but I’m hoping, when the vision I’m feeling God calling me to falls into place, to finally get my dog.
But the more recent reversal on a ‘never’ is going to surprise and not amuse, even upset, most of the people who know me.
Going into my marriage, I firmly believed in “Til death do us part.” I expected my marriage to last until one of us died. I was firmly convinced my marriage would never end for any other reason. (And to, there was a desire to prove wrong all the people who said it would never last. Some even said we wouldn’t make it through the first year.)
But, and for months I didn’t want to face this, in order to walk the path I feel God calling me to walk, my husband and I need to part ways. There are a multitude of reasons and it gets all kinds of complicated, especially since we are still and intend to remain close friends. It’s just something I never imagined I’d be facing. And worse to now have to deal with all the people who will either want to say “I told you so” or demand explanations of what happened or, worse yet, want to ‘fix’ this for us.
I feel God calling me to trust Him on this, no matter how hard. And I know He promises to see me through. That His Will will not lead me where His Grace can’t keep me. In that, His timing never fails to amaze. As I’m grappling with the reality of the separation, the link below was posted to a Facebook group I’m a member of.
I love her tag line “Because sometimes life hands you lemons.” Yes, even God sometimes hands out lemons. This is for those who are currently or have in the past gone through significant break up or divorce. The Break Up Boot camp begins next week, but I believe the Limonchello Society is ongoing.