Not a place I like living, but it feels like I’m stuck here right now.
There’s this cycle I’ve been going through in recent months. And I think, just maybe, I’m not alone in this feeling.
There’s a lesson learned, a feeling of increased connection to God, to Jesus, to my purpose in life.
And then there’s a waiting room. A space of feeling disconnected once again. Of wondering what’s next. Of wondering if I’d only imagined what I felt, the lesson learned, the connection.
A space of having to trust and hold my faith even tighter because otherwise I feel like I’m falling again.
I’m waiting for the next reminder. The next lesson. The next… anything which deepens my connection to God and what it is He is calling me to do with my life.
As true now as when I first posted it.
In a universe which feels so immense. I just want to curl up inside myself. How can God use something so insignificant?
That’s the doubts creeping in. The comparing of all the broken pieces of me to the seemingly unbroken appearance of others.
But how to replace the doubts with faith? How do I stop making unfair comparisons? Not easily, that’s for certain.
Sometimes all the prayer in the world doesn’t seem to hold any answers. Sometimes God feels so completely out of reach. Sometimes I feel so broken and disconnected from anything and everything around me.
And yet God can reach me even there. Even when I’m feeling my smallest and most insignificant.
And for that I thank Him.
The full moon. Even through an overcast sky, I know it’s a full moon. I’m so restless I could crawl right out of my skin.
It’s only one thing out of many.
I feel like I’m being grated raw. Broken open. Broken down to simplest parts. A scrubbing away of all which isn’t essential me.
God feels distant. He’s letting this happen. But soon… I can feel it coming… soon I’ll be gathered up and made whole in Him once again.