Mostly because I’ve been uncertain what to write. So many things going on. None of them quite what I’ve been hoping for. And also a feeling like I’ve been living in some kind of holding pattern. I feel stuck and I have no idea how to break out of the rut I’ve found myself in.
And too, I’m finding I’ve wandered far away from my original intention for this blog. Since I really don’t remember what I was thinking at the time, I kinda have to go back to the tagline. So unless everything goes sideways yet again, the next few posts will be a combination of how I got to where I am now and what’s been going on recently.
It’s the end of October, which here can mean snow, although I haven’t seen any yet, and below freezing temperatures. So far we’ve had rain and a few frosts, but all the pretty coloured leaves have fallen and it looks pretty grey out most of the time. We’re also coming up on the winter solstice and the hours of dark far outnumber the hours of daylight. Worse, rainclouds keep it dark even during the day. Bottom line, where I live, it’s cold and dark almost constantly right now.
I’m feeling it right down deep. As if the cold and dark have crept inside me. I can’t seem to get warm. I feel like I can’t see anything of what’s ahead. Not sure I’m even really seeing what’s around me right now. Accomplishing anything, including this post, is a struggle and there’s a whole long list of things I feel called to do which I also feel like I just can’t deal with right now.
All the positive affirmations sound hollow… just so many words. Knowing in my head that “this too shall pass” isn’t helping right now. I’m just not feeling it.
It happens sometimes. Especially after a long, full week like I just had. Everything else gets in the way and I end up feeling disconnected. Out of synch with God and myself.
I find it a frustrating feeling. Nothing goes quite right and I fall back into old bad habits. When I do attempt to reach out, to reconnect, it’s hard and sometimes comes with a sense of nothing being out there. I know God is there because He is always there. But there’s a world of difference between what I know in my head and what I feel in my heart.
Thankfully my current circumstances allow me one ‘day off’ each week. One day when I don’t have to care for my daughter. One day when I can be alone to recharge and prepare myself for the next stretch of life. One day when I can take all the time I need to re-center myself and dig as deep as necessary to reconnect.
It never fails to amaze me, the difference it makes in my patience and ability to cope, to have even just a few hours when the only person I have to look after is myself. When I can take the time to only do things that make me feel better. Because when I feel better, when I feel reconnected and back in synch, it’s so much easier to work with and around everything else in my life.