At least it sure feels like it.
Maybe it’s the annual funk which lasts the first three weeks of February. Until my birthday is over and I can cry for what did/didn’t happen and move on with the year.
Maybe it’s watching my family expand and our income stay the same. (Actually, if the current Canadian government does what’s rumoured to the Child Tax Credit, we’ll have less per month than we do now.)
Maybe it’s trying to get my business off the ground and having zero reach and no one buying.
Maybe it’s seeing the stats for this blog and my business website and knowing I’m barely even seen.
Maybe it’s wondering how we’re going to stay fed ’til payday when the rent and bills ate up what paycheque we got.
Maybe it’s all of the above.
And just maybe it’s only for now and things might finally get better. But it’s so hard to keep promises of better in mind when I’m looking at what I am right now.
On the upside, I’m able to write when I didn’t expect to be. That’s something.
In a universe which feels so immense. I just want to curl up inside myself. How can God use something so insignificant?
That’s the doubts creeping in. The comparing of all the broken pieces of me to the seemingly unbroken appearance of others.
But how to replace the doubts with faith? How do I stop making unfair comparisons? Not easily, that’s for certain.
Sometimes all the prayer in the world doesn’t seem to hold any answers. Sometimes God feels so completely out of reach. Sometimes I feel so broken and disconnected from anything and everything around me.
And yet God can reach me even there. Even when I’m feeling my smallest and most insignificant.
And for that I thank Him.