A journey towards greater faith and creativity

Posts tagged “messy life

2018

It feels like 2018 started at the end of May. I barely remember any of what happened in the months before that. What I remember is the contrast of events in the months following May.

What happened in late May and early June is going to carry over into 2019 and possibly beyond. While I’m not looking forward to dealing with what’s coming and the fallout, I will be happy to have it finally behind us.

“It never rains, but it pours”… Wow is this so true.

Since May:

My phone died and had to be replaced. We don’t have a household land line, so my phone is the number everything related to myself and our daughter uses… doctors, family, other agencies we’re dealing with. Fortunately, I was able to get the phone I wanted without laying out a fortune up front and without having to change my monthly plan.

My laptop died. We were able to have everything on it transferred to an external hard drive and a friend has loaned me a laptop which works adequately for the moment. My husband has promised me a new one come income tax return and I’m looking forward to that.

The nephew of a woman I’ve gotten to know through church was critically injured in a single vehicle accident. While not directly affecting me and mine, it’s still a shock and I’ve listened to her talk about how it’s affected her and her family. Miraculously, this man has recovered enough to return home and get back to his life, even if it isn’t the same as before.

But then came word of a multi-vehicle accident which killed two, a father and son, and left a third in hospital for months. The boy who died was a playmate of my daughter’s from the time she was two. He and his father were people I knew to see… and was used to seeing around. It’s so strange to see the surviving members of their family without them now. News of deaths, even of fictional characters, affects my daughter strongly right now and I’m grateful for the supports we have around us.

My husband was diagnosed with a testicular cancer and had his fifth major surgery. He has recovered well and the doctors believe they got it all, but the follow up will continue over the next three years. As a result of the surgery, he spent six weeks off work.

And then the head colds and flus resulting from a lack of extreme cold weather to kill of the bugs. I’ve had a cough for more than a month that just won’t quit.

And yet, through all this we’ve had incredible support from family and friends around us. We’ve had desperately needed financial assistance from a variety of sources. We’ve had people we’re able to talk to, who listen and support us. We’ve been able to get the things we need, as we need them. Through everything this year, I’ve had an incredible experience with the way God Blesses us.

For everything that’s happened (I may have missed some of the less glaring issues here), it has not felt like a bad year. 2018 has been an eye opening year. A year which has highlighted what is most important to us and the ways God is able to provide no matter how bad things feel at the time.

Thank you, 2018. And Thank you, God.

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Last Day of School

It’s my daughter’s last day of grade one.

I have two whole months where I don’t have to deal with her school.

After we attend an anniversary party for my grandparents’ 60th, I have two weeks-ish where my daughter is at my parents’. I’m looking forward to those weeks and I know they’re going to pass way, way too fast.

In the meantime, our local library has a summer reading program for kids. The church often runs some kind of summer program, since Sunday school is only during the school year. There are other kids living close by she can go out and play with.


New Toy (Sort Of)

I got my very own cell phone today. For me, this is big news. It’s the first time I’ve had one which is specifically mine. I’m slowly figuring out things on it. Probably helps to have played around with my husband’s phone.

Speaking of whom, we’re working on piecing our marriage back together… seeing if we can resolve or move past the issues which caused our separation earlier this year. I think we’re making progress, but some days it’s hard to tell.

Feels like God doesn’t believe in straight paths. Well, I guess He promises to make our paths straight, but it sure doesn’t feel like it when actually living this stuff out. Or maybe there’s still more I can’t see yet. Wouldn’t surprise me.

And my one remaining grandmother turns 80 years young this weekend, so I’m making a flying trip down for her birthday celebration. One day of party and family and family friends sandwiched between two eight to nine hour drives.

I think I’m going to need a vacation to recover from the last six or eight weeks. I’m just not sure when I’ll get even a short break. There’s still a lot which needs to happen or be worked out before I feel like I’m settled into a real home again.

God will provide. Of this I’m certain.


Short Hair and Other Issues

I’ve been growing my hair out since grade seven and it hasn’t really been cut, just the ends trimmed, in more than a decade… until today.

It’s been a very long summer and a number of things seem to have escaped me. (Posting on this blog being one of them.) Among them was my hair. Well, today a whole lot of crap had to be cut out of it and my hair is now varying lengths, none of it longer than maybe to my chin. It feels strange, to say the least, and I can’t seem to keep my hands out of it right now. (Also, because it keeps falling in my face.)

Seems like my hair is only a reflection of far too many things in my life right now. Too many messes… too many things which now need cleaning up.

I don’t even know why I let things fall this far apart. Not sure how. Or what I was thinking. Maybe I just wasn’t thinking at all.

Supposedly hindsight is 20/20, but maybe it takes some space apart from it all to really get a perspective on what has or is happening. I’m not sure I’ve had that space. Not entirely sure I do now, but I guess I have to start somewhere.

One day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time.


How In The World Did I End Up Here?

I’ve asked myself this any number of times, but the truth is, I know exactly how I ended up where I am now. What I can’t seem to figure out is how to get out of this mess and move on.

Let me start by defining Here.

I have until the end of the month to be out of the townhouse I’ve been living in for the last four and a half years. What’s left here has either been packed or sorted into the I don’t want to keep it piles. (Either garbage or donation depending on item and condition.) So somewhere between ninety and ninety-five percent of what I own is packed and I’m getting by on what little has been left out. In the meantime, my ex-husband has moved out, although he has a few more things to come get. Our daughter is currently living with her grandparents and not happy about it. She enjoyed her vacation trips with them, but I know she wants to be living with me and it can’t happen while I’m living with a bare minimum of stuff and there’s nothing for her to do here and I have no way to take her out anywhere on any consistent basis. The cat is, well, the cat. She’s still living with me and at least in all the packing and cleaning up we found her favourite mouse.

So how do I move on from here?

Well, I know where I would love to move to. And I know what I want in a new home.

I also know what God keeps telling me. (The two don’t appear to be mutually exclusive.)

Imagine walking along a path made of large stones and suddenly coming to a place where two or three stones are just missing, leaving a gaping chasm in their place. The gap feels too wide to jump and there doesn’t appear to be a way around.

This is my life right now.

I guess I could take all the advice from the ‘there is only one way to do anything’ people in my life. There sure are a lot of them. But this is the advice which got me stranded here in the first place. And I don’t see how following the advice which got me here is going to get me back out. (And I’m incredibly sick and tired of feeling stuck in a world where I never have fit in anyway.)

In a telephone conversation with my ‘Christian’ mother, I asked her at least four times whether I should take all the advice people keep shoving my way and try to fight my way out of this on my own (rather limited) strength or whether I should trust in what I know God is telling me. She hesitated and waffled every single time I asked, no matter how I simplified the question. My ‘Christian’ mother couldn’t tell me I should trust God over my own strength and abilities. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this picture?

I know what the Bible says about trusting God and God’s promises. I also know what the Bible says about trying to rely on myself and my own strength. And what it says about God’s ability to provide what I need, exactly when and how I need it. (Whether it’s what I was hoping for or not.)

So, I think, if my options are to take all this conventional, stuck in the box, there’s only one way out of this advice or to trust in God and God’s promises to me and God’s timing… well, I know the first doesn’t work, so I’m left with the second.

(And by trusting in God, I don’t mean simply praying and nothing else and hoping it will all work out in the end. I do mean taking the steps and actions I feel God telling me to take, as they come up. I know all too well just how meaningless words without Divinely inspired action really are.)