It’s my daughter’s last day of grade one.
I have two whole months where I don’t have to deal with her school.
After we attend an anniversary party for my grandparents’ 60th, I have two weeks-ish where my daughter is at my parents’. I’m looking forward to those weeks and I know they’re going to pass way, way too fast.
In the meantime, our local library has a summer reading program for kids. The church often runs some kind of summer program, since Sunday school is only during the school year. There are other kids living close by she can go out and play with.
I got my very own cell phone today. For me, this is big news. It’s the first time I’ve had one which is specifically mine. I’m slowly figuring out things on it. Probably helps to have played around with my husband’s phone.
Speaking of whom, we’re working on piecing our marriage back together… seeing if we can resolve or move past the issues which caused our separation earlier this year. I think we’re making progress, but some days it’s hard to tell.
Feels like God doesn’t believe in straight paths. Well, I guess He promises to make our paths straight, but it sure doesn’t feel like it when actually living this stuff out. Or maybe there’s still more I can’t see yet. Wouldn’t surprise me.
And my one remaining grandmother turns 80 years young this weekend, so I’m making a flying trip down for her birthday celebration. One day of party and family and family friends sandwiched between two eight to nine hour drives.
I think I’m going to need a vacation to recover from the last six or eight weeks. I’m just not sure when I’ll get even a short break. There’s still a lot which needs to happen or be worked out before I feel like I’m settled into a real home again.
God will provide. Of this I’m certain.
I’ve been growing my hair out since grade seven and it hasn’t really been cut, just the ends trimmed, in more than a decade… until today.
It’s been a very long summer and a number of things seem to have escaped me. (Posting on this blog being one of them.) Among them was my hair. Well, today a whole lot of crap had to be cut out of it and my hair is now varying lengths, none of it longer than maybe to my chin. It feels strange, to say the least, and I can’t seem to keep my hands out of it right now. (Also, because it keeps falling in my face.)
Seems like my hair is only a reflection of far too many things in my life right now. Too many messes… too many things which now need cleaning up.
I don’t even know why I let things fall this far apart. Not sure how. Or what I was thinking. Maybe I just wasn’t thinking at all.
Supposedly hindsight is 20/20, but maybe it takes some space apart from it all to really get a perspective on what has or is happening. I’m not sure I’ve had that space. Not entirely sure I do now, but I guess I have to start somewhere.
One day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time.
I’ve asked myself this any number of times, but the truth is, I know exactly how I ended up where I am now. What I can’t seem to figure out is how to get out of this mess and move on.
Let me start by defining Here.
I have until the end of the month to be out of the townhouse I’ve been living in for the last four and a half years. What’s left here has either been packed or sorted into the I don’t want to keep it piles. (Either garbage or donation depending on item and condition.) So somewhere between ninety and ninety-five percent of what I own is packed and I’m getting by on what little has been left out. In the meantime, my ex-husband has moved out, although he has a few more things to come get. Our daughter is currently living with her grandparents and not happy about it. She enjoyed her vacation trips with them, but I know she wants to be living with me and it can’t happen while I’m living with a bare minimum of stuff and there’s nothing for her to do here and I have no way to take her out anywhere on any consistent basis. The cat is, well, the cat. She’s still living with me and at least in all the packing and cleaning up we found her favourite mouse.
So how do I move on from here?
Well, I know where I would love to move to. And I know what I want in a new home.
I also know what God keeps telling me. (The two don’t appear to be mutually exclusive.)
Imagine walking along a path made of large stones and suddenly coming to a place where two or three stones are just missing, leaving a gaping chasm in their place. The gap feels too wide to jump and there doesn’t appear to be a way around.
This is my life right now.
I guess I could take all the advice from the ‘there is only one way to do anything’ people in my life. There sure are a lot of them. But this is the advice which got me stranded here in the first place. And I don’t see how following the advice which got me here is going to get me back out. (And I’m incredibly sick and tired of feeling stuck in a world where I never have fit in anyway.)
In a telephone conversation with my ‘Christian’ mother, I asked her at least four times whether I should take all the advice people keep shoving my way and try to fight my way out of this on my own (rather limited) strength or whether I should trust in what I know God is telling me. She hesitated and waffled every single time I asked, no matter how I simplified the question. My ‘Christian’ mother couldn’t tell me I should trust God over my own strength and abilities. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this picture?
I know what the Bible says about trusting God and God’s promises. I also know what the Bible says about trying to rely on myself and my own strength. And what it says about God’s ability to provide what I need, exactly when and how I need it. (Whether it’s what I was hoping for or not.)
So, I think, if my options are to take all this conventional, stuck in the box, there’s only one way out of this advice or to trust in God and God’s promises to me and God’s timing… well, I know the first doesn’t work, so I’m left with the second.
(And by trusting in God, I don’t mean simply praying and nothing else and hoping it will all work out in the end. I do mean taking the steps and actions I feel God telling me to take, as they come up. I know all too well just how meaningless words without Divinely inspired action really are.)