From a child forced into church and Sunday school attendance to a woman who realizes neither are necessary.
From the thou shalts and thou shalt nots to a tossing aside of the rules.
From the fear of being ‘bad’ and going to hell to knowing nothing can keep me from heaven.
From living in fear of everything and everyone to living in Love.
From needing everything to be perfect and in control in order to be acceptable to knowing all that matters is the effort to truly listen and obey regardless of the results.
From believing salvation to be buried somewhere in the rules and laws to knowing it’s solely in Jesus’s Love.
From feeling insignificant and unworthy to knowing I matter.
From feeling crammed into ill fitting moulds to knowing my unique gifts have purpose and will support me and mine.
All this has been a very long time coming, but it’s time to own what’s mine.
Some things take infinitely more grace than others. I find this is one of them. Fortunately Jesus has infinite grace and forgiveness for me. I just have to learn to extend those to the past. To forgive the people I’d much rather blame. To accept that nothing can change any of what was done or said. It was what it was. I have to forgive. And then move on.
This was brought home to me fairly clearly a few weeks ago and I know I’ve been struggling with it since. My tendency is to dwell in the past. To wish in vain for a way to go back and change what happened. I know it isn’t possible. What I’m learning also isn’t possible is to move forward while stuck on past hurts.
I desperately want to move forward. I’m longing to see what God has in store for me. For my future, my work, my family. I’m frustrated by the messages of ‘have patience’ and ‘let go’ I keep receiving when I so much want to get to what is coming. This lesson in forgiveness and letting go, in patience and growth… I feel like I’m living in a space in between. In between a past I’m having trouble forgiving and releasing and a future which isn’t coming as fast as I want. In between my old life of being sick and stuck and the new life I know God has planned for me.