It’s very hard not to worry and stress about life when suffering from any level of anxiety disorder. In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus very clearly states we are not to worry and instead trust in God to provide our needs. However, anxiety disorder stems from any combination of unstable blood sugars, fried adrenal glands, and/or wonky brain chemistry. Anxiety doesn’t care what’s in the Bible or what we tell ourselves or anything we attempt to do which doesn’t address the specific physiological problem causing said anxiety. (Which is why it may or may not respond to prescription medications.)
All that said, I’ve had an extremely stressful week. Stressful to the point of nausea every time I ate anything and being unable to really settle to any kind of work without interrupting myself. Anxiety and good concentration do not go hand in hand.
Where I’m at in my life, God is closing all kinds of doors. Some get closed gently and don’t bother me too much. Others feel more like slammed in my face and all I can do for the first while is stand frozen in shock. Those second ones are super stressful until the shock passes and I feel able to move on again.
God is also opening doors, if not the ones I’m hoping for just yet. For example, I still don’t know where I’m going to be moving to, but I’m not in a blind panic trying to find a place for me and my belongings by tomorrow. God does keep His promise to provide, whether it looks like what I hope for or not.
I do have to move and I’ve known that for months now. But what God has provided me right now is a small window of time in which I can rest and work on those things He is directing me to. I have no lack of work to do where I am at the moment. My new home will come in His time.
I’ve mentioned Howling Wolf Books, my business, before on this blog. What it is and some of what I’m hoping to do with it. Maybe even how I intended to set up for six months light duty this year.
I’m unemployable by most traditional standards. My physical and mental health issues massively effect my day to day life. I have no formal work experience to put on a resume. Most of my training and certificates are more than ten years old. I cannot deal with the general public face to face in any capacity for more than an hour before needing a break. I live in a city where people with far more extensive resumes than mine can’t find employment and more jobs are being cut than generated.
Operating my own business is pretty much my only hope of generating adequate income to support myself. I’ve worked any number of casual, temporary, and/or informal jobs, none of which pay much or for very long. I know some people somehow manage to support themselves through such means. I’m not one of them.
Certainly Howling Wolf Books has the potential to support me and mine. There are already several short stories and novels available for sale in both ebook and print through a number of major online retailers. They’re even selling a little. Enough for the ebook distributor to pay out my account this month. Unfortunately not enough to really be worth mentioning.
My main problem seems to be marketing. I can’t pay for ads right now. People read the stories and claim to love them. Evidently not enough to review or recommend them to anyone else. New releases are listed for giveaway through Goodreads. The main author I’m working with at the moment posts on both her blog and Facebook. (She does have an issue where people either love or hate her work with very little middle ground. I do my best to present as professional looking a product as possible, but it only seems to go so far.)
Since I lost the baby I was expecting (see last week’s post), I’ve been drifting along on light duty because I just don’t have the energy to put into anything more. I have been considering opening up submissions for new authors a little early, but it won’t be before the end of August. I have too many other sources of stress right now.
I will get back to my business and my plans for it, but at the moment I have until the end of this month to find a new home. Unless something changes, I’m going to have very limited income. While my ex-husband is willing to pay child support, I’ll still be on my own with small child and cat. As of right now, I don’t know where I’m going or how I’m going to get there. All I have right now is my faith in God’s promise to provide my needs.
I’m hoping, by the end of August, I will be settled into my new home and the worst of the really life disruptive stuff will have settled out. Then hopefully, I’ll have more time and energy for my business and things will pick up.