This has been my daughter’s question on and off since the day, about three weeks ago now, when I went to the hospital full of expectation of holding a new baby in my arms and ended up returning home without. What’s harder is I really don’t have an answer for her.
It’s been a long, difficult three weeks. While I’m very slowly recovering from what happened, there are still so many more questions than answers. And maybe there never will be a good answer.
The medical system here works slowly. (When it works at all.) I’m waiting to get some testing results, but I’m not holding out much hope of them revealing anything conclusive. Seems like every time doctors run tests on me, the results don’t really tell them much.
Why would Jesus take our baby and leave me feeling like I’m surrounding by mothers who are caring for newborns? It feels like everywhere I go lately, there’s a mother, sometimes more than one, lugging an infant carseat or pushing a stroller or with her baby wrapped to her chest. Friends of ours have a teeny, tiny premie and are constantly sharing pictures of her progress. And, while I almost never used to get to see other people’s babies, I’ve been blessed to hold two on different occasions recently.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for these people. At the same time, I’m sad for me. And I’m sad for my daughter who was so looking forward to having a sibling.
Just a bit of what’s been going on for me this month and what’s to come next year:
My family and friends finally know I’m expecting a new little one in May. I’ve known for a while, but didn’t want to share until I was past the first trimester.
I’m working on a full length book to be released by Howling Wolf Books in July. It’s just far from ready at the moment. And lacking a finalized title still.
Going to be a light version of Christmas this year. Small gifts, no decorations, little to no celebration other than at parents’ homes. I don’t have the energy or concentration for more.
The first novel from Howling Wolf Books is available for pre-order and the second will be as of Monday. Speaking of which, I’m planning and prepping to allow myself very light duty for about six months starting towards the end of May. The books will still be released, but I won’t be doing much else.